We’ve all been there, where someone did you wrong and they don’t own up to it and you felt like you couldn’t move on until they do. Whether it was after a break up with a significant other, end of a friendship or an argument with someone. Or maybe someone did something so hurtful such as lie to you or cheat on you and they still don’t say, “I’m sorry” and own up to it.
Whatever the case is, it’s hurtful and it could make you feel like you won’t be able to move forward without the apology, however, that’s not necessarily true. Having that sort of mentality puts the power of your mental health and well-being in the hands of someone else.
Someone might have treated you horrible in a relationship that has now ended and you might say “if they would just apologize for how they treated me I would feel better about it”. And there’s multiple reasons why you might feel that way, all reasons that could be valid, maybe you feel like if they owned they were horrible to you then it takes some of the self blame you’re holding on to away.
Having the courage to say “I’m sorry” means you’re admitting you were wrong. And some people just don’t have the ability to admit that, even if they know they were wrong.
Reasons why you don’t get apology:
- Saying you’re sorry means admitting wrong and for some their self-esteem might cling to never feeling wrong. If they admit they’re wrong, they’re admitting defeat. Even if they clearly know what they did, they just won’t admit it verbally because they’re low self esteem can’t handle that blow. To say you’re sorry you have to have a higher level of self esteem to know you can do something wrong but that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily a bad person. This could also go into why people who are living in shame are not able to say sorry.
- There are some children who were blamed for everything as a child and as adults they either over apologize for everything or, they never apologize and say “I’m sorry”. Unconsciously or consciously they decide that they will never accept blame, even if it was clearly their fault. If they admit blame it could put them in those same childhood feelings of shame of thinking “I got in trouble, therefore I’m a bad person” and those might not be feelings they’re ready to deal with. Basically, this concept also comes down to feelings of shame, therefore unable to admit blame.
- And of course, those who might have no empathy for your feelings. Maybe they see you’re upset and they hear you saying you’re mad at what they did/ said but since they didn’t “purposely” hurt you they’re not going to apologize and then they start gaslighting you and put the blame back on you for feeling that way and taking what they said “out of context”. Basically, just because you’re hurt, doesn’t matter if it wasn’t intentional (which can be a form of narcissism). ***3 points from Psychology Today article from Nancy Colier, LCSW
How to move forward if someone isn’t going to apologize…
Now that you realize you might not get an apology, you can decide what to do from here. Begging for an apology isn’t going to work, waiting around until someone sees how they hurt you won’t work, it’s just going to make you feel more resentful and hurt. You sometimes need to gracefully move on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about reconciliation, if someone does something wrong, they genuinely apologize, make amends and work on bettering the relationship, that’s great!
However, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the person who feels they’re not being taken seriously about the hurt they feel, or the person waiting to hear an apology about how badly a partner treated them during the relationship.
I get how you feel, you want to feel validated and seen in how you felt hurt. But sometimes the sad reality is you might never get that apology you think you need and that doesn’t mean you can’t move on.
Someone might decide they don’t feel like they owe you an apology, maybe they don’t even see the wrong they did, but then you also get to decide what you want to do. You can decide to continue to stay in the relationship, stay feeling hurt after the relationship is over, stay resentful towards family members for hurting you or hold a grudge towards someone.
You might even decide to let something go that maybe you decided what as big of a deal as you originally felt. Or you might decide to move forward all together. ACCEPTING that people don’t always see the hurt they caused but that doesn’t make it any less real. And just because you don’t wait around for them to acknowledge the pain they caused doesn’t mean you’re saying it was okay.
Bottom line, everyone has choices, if someone decides they don’t want to aplogize or acknowledge their wrong, you then can choose what you want to do. Just because someone decides they don’t want to say “I’m sorry”, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck with taking the blame yourself, you decide to let it go or you decide to move forward. Feeling resentful and building up the emotional pain will eventually hurt the relationship but ultimately it will destroy you down the road.
***Disclaimer: This article is not substitute for therapy. Please seek out professional support. Here is my contact page if you live in Texas, and here is my approach.